After spending a frustrating evening pouring over illegible handwriting in badly damaged and out of focus parish registers - and still NOT finding my relatives, I thought it was time to send an open email to all my "Upstairs" relatives who have gone to Heaven (99% of them), or the Other Place (1%). The text follows. Feel free to insert your own relative's names where appropriate.

Dear ______________,

I am your ___________ and living in the 21st century here in _________. I am sitting in front of a microfilm projector (I'll explain what that is in a later email) in a great research library run by really nice people trying to decipher the small and shaky handwriting of your parish's curate. He must have either been vertically challenged or had palsy - because it's unreadable. At least I think it's your parish! I'm not even sure of the decade! Thanks for leaving such a good paper trail. (sarcasm intended).

According to family legend, you and your wife ____________ had ______ children, some of whom lived beyond infancy. Yet not a single one was recorded in the parish records! I can't even find your marriage certificate.

You two WERE married, right:? Didn't you know that there would be legions of people like me fanatically spending their waking hours and small fortunes looking for any and all traces of your lives? Were you just stubborn, couldn't afford the fees, or not members of the Established Church? You're wondering, "What's all the fuss, we're dead as doornails?" We're not sure, but I think down here we're infected with the same disease: Rootsus obsessionus.

Of course, WE are going to leave better records for our descendants! Anyway, I'm glad I was able to vent my frustrations upward. If I couldn't do that, I'd probably popped the obnoxious researcher next to me who is right now translating an old record in German - and out loud, for goodness sakes! I have an idea.......

When I'm "dead-on" (pardon the expression) to finding the correct record, give me some sort of a sign. Make the projector bulb flicker twice. Or, if it must be done in the privacy of my own home, I have a cocker spaniel. Talk through him. That will get my attention for sure. Thanks for listening. I'll be better in the morning......I'll be back at the library tomorrow night for Round 14, so catch me there.

Sincerely,